Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
