Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
