Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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