We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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