I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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