I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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