You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
