I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
