I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
