So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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