My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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