I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
