i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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