I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
