There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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