thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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