I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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