Need sex. Gaining weight.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
organizing the empties. That sober.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
