so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He kissed a someone with a penis
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize