I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
