New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
why do cheetos always look like penises
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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