this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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