You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
