The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
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