I'm jealous of your bromance
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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