Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
