i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
