This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm having to shit out rocks
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
