I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
