I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
