is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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