i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just found a bag of teeth...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
