can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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