I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
