she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
