I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
