so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
