Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
