Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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