i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
So squirting runs in the family.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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