How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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