I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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