it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
