Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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