i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
