can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
