Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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