just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
