Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
