Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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