I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
