hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
