I faked an abortion last night.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
