...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
