The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
