I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
True strength comes from lack of pants
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
