she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
