This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
