my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
