it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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