and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize