This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
from now on my penis is your penis
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
