seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
