Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize